I should probably start off this edition of Cardinal Sins that Fans Commit by giving a little background to those of you who don’t know me very well, so here goes:
1) I do not drink alcoholic beverages. Ever. “Never ever?” you ask incredulously. To that I can honestly say, “not intentionally.” (Here’s the scoop: once I was dragged to a bar with some friends, and while there, I ordered a Coke, and when I sipped on it, it tasted extremely bad to me, so I offered a sip to a friend who said, “Pretty sure that’s rum in there.” I threw it out. So technically, I might have taken a sip or two of rum, but that was not my intention. Full disclosure taken care of.) (I have a much better story about unintentional drinking by my best friend who discovered the in-laws’ egg nog at their first Christmas together. Hilarious, but I digress. . . .)
2) I am not amused by drunk people–never have been. Oh, sure, So-and-So is widely known as a “fun” drunk when he’s intoxicated, but all I’ve ever seen is that So-and-So gets more and more obnoxious as he downs drink after drink. With the obnoxiousness comes Drunk Talking, Drunk Singing, and Drunk Dancing, which usually ends with Drunk Spilling of the Liquor on the One Girl Who Isn’t Drinking. So for those of you who spend the weekends seeing how much damage you can do to your liver before it completely gives out on you, you probably will not understand this post (even though, most likely, this could very well be about you). For those of you who only drink in moderation, read on:
If anyone goes to any major sporting event in his lifetime, he will encounter The Drunk Fan. Inevitably, he’s the guy sitting right beside you (you know, you’re right next to his beer hand), or behind you. And you might have immediately realized you were going to have a problem when you first arrived at the stadium/ballpark/coliseum, or it might have occurred to you during the first few minutes of the game. You try to be nice. You try to be tolerant; after all, liquor is served at the event, and you knew that going in. But pretty soon, Drunk Fan gets loud. He gets mad at something going on during the event: either a missed call by the ref, or the QB doesn’t make it to the first down marker, or the outfielder drops a fly ball. And then Drunk Fan gets angry–not just a little bit upset, mind you, but starts completely overreacting to whatever has just occurred on the field. Expletives typically come forth, and if you’re unfortunate enough to have brought a little one with you, you quickly drop whatever it is you’re holding to cover little ears that are nearby. And unfortunately for the little one, he’s probably in the path of the beer that is about to get sloshed all around when Drunk Fan jumps out of his seat and almost falls down the bleachers, taking about 3 people with him in the process.
The Drunk Fan may or may not be apologetic. If you dare to take it upon yourself to point out the 6 year old who’s asking his father uncomfortable questions like what certain words and phrases mean, you’ll get an “Aww, man, I’m real sorry about that” and it will sound somewhat sincere, but it will not stop Drunk Fan from engaging in the same behavior a minute later.
And don’t even get me started on Female Drunk Fan. Look, we know you didn’t want to be dragged to this sporting event and the only way you can amuse yourself is to get hammered. But getting hammered and then picking a fight with your boyfriend (who may or may not be drunk) while he’s trying to watch the game–totally not cool. No, he’s not paying attention to you; he didn’t pay $20-$80 to sit beside you and talk about your feelings while his favorite team is playing. So either get over it or don’t go in the first place. Simple as that.
So to the Drunk Fan, I offer these words: know when to say when. You are NOT fun when you’re drunk (no matter how many people tell you that you are), and Rows 8, 9 and 10 in Section T are not amused by whatever it is you are doing. Consider the fact that most people think of sporting events as family outings, and there might be little ones who are not there to learn new vocabulary words. You just end up ruining the day for those around you, and if they are lucky enough, eventually you are going to be removed forcefully from the vicinity and will miss the rest of the game. And honestly, even if you don’t get removed, how much of the event will you remember anyway?
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